Chosen

There is this part of me that feels the need to open up.  I want to bring light to the lessons which we have all already learned but are choosing to forget.  But where do I begin?
Certainly it might be here, in a dreamscape, on my Grandmother’s little balcony.
A woman of great humanity and courageous accomplishment, of which you undoubtedly know very little.

I feel like there’s a barrier that needs to be broken in order for the brutal truth to burst forth from my finger tips.

Trying to practice vaporizing clouds but I keep getting stuck on the same question, “Wait, why would i want to vaporize a cloud that is so pretty as it takes the sun’s setting light so nice and neatly?”
I would much prefer to vaporize something that I don’t want to see…like a street, a car, a building or a plane in the sky.  But I suppose it has to be something that no one else would miss.
But if all the world is my illusion…then I would not miss it at all…

I once read a book called Illusions in which a man learns to vaporize the clouds above him on his journey towards learning to fly.
I believe that it is all very true and entirely possible but I am having a hard time sorting out my goal.

What is it that I want to learn?
The defensive, egoistic, and intuitive version of me says, “Nothing!  Don’t we know it all already?  I just need to decide how it feels to remember!”
And the Buddhist version of me says, “There is everything to learn, for I know nothing.”

But the romantic version of me wants to learn how to speak to the world.  I want to find a way to make it better.
I want to know how often it is that someone believes they have been chosen (born with purpose) only to find out that they are not.
Aren’t we all chosen?

We are all chosen!

Which of us will choose to make the good decisions?  That is the real question, isn’t it, after all.

I’m just going to do it. Starting right now.

This is me, starting a blog.

This is something that I have been meaning to do for quite some time and I think it is now the time that I finally just did it.  Without caring who reads it or what it even is about, I’m just going to start writing and expressing my thoughts and feelings, right here and right now.

I am an empath and I frequently find myself in situations where I am pouring my thoughts and feelings out to people via email or standard letter and am getting little-to-no response.  This is not because people don’t care for me or what I have to say, but there is just so much of it and everyone is just so busy, it would be impossible for them to respond on every point I make.  I think this is actually true for a lot of people, and this is, after all, exactly why we have therapists.  I am certain that if I were paying my pen-pals to read and respond to me rather than to go to work every day, they would be doing a much more thorough job.  This is why I strongly advocate for blogs and for not giving a damn about who reads them.

I’m starting this blog right now, because in addition to being an empath, I am also someone who has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past.  And although I am far more resilient, mindful, and generally happier than I was in the past; my moods still come hurtling towards me sometimes.  Swinging like a giant pendulum which I (and everyone around me) must move out of the way from.  Right now the moon is full, and that means that the changing of tides are much higher and much lower than at any other time of the month.  I have come to learn however, that these greater swings in water levels do not apply only to the oceans; but as creatures made almost entirely of this same substance, they also can greatly affect our moods and our emotions too.

Yesterday (Valentine’s Day) was actually an extremely good day for me, chock-full of emotional highs, but today has got me on the other end of the spectrum entirely.  And I must say that it is very strange to be able to go through these tumultuous swings of emotion while remaining almost entirely conscious of the process while it happens.  Today everything that could have possibly gone wrong did go wrong, in particular there was a lot of spilling of food on the floor, and when the moment came up (especially for the fourth or fifth time) I could feel myself being overcome with the urge to smash something or yell out some four-letter words.  How odd it is to really feel these urges so intensely, and yet know in that moment that they are not real, to be able to laugh at myself instead.  I consider myself very lucky, or very well-practiced, at this point because it has taken years for me to get to where I am.

It’s still amazing to me though; I always thought that when I “fixed things” that the crazy mood swings would just go away altogether (and perhaps still in the future they might).  But for now its really quite comical to just watch myself well up with such intense emotions in that moment, where my ego is absolutely throwing a fit from inside me, and yet my higher self just nods with the softness of true understanding and holds  my hand back from smashing things with her gentle and soothing smiles.