Heading away from this darkness and into the deep. The sharks loiter and sniff, feeling for the end of the rope. Grape fruit sodas and lumpy lips. The crisp blue scent of the egoist. Tears of glory and a frozen cap, my subtle stream is coming back. Help me find the strength to carry on.
The slow smooth drawl of our taxi man was like warm hands across my ears. He went on about the night life and the food, but all I could hear was, “Welcome, darlin’. Welcome.”
We grabbed a bunch of pitch forks and moved on toward the pile. I was still being tormented by the spirits that had been there since the beginning of the day before, but I still did not acknowledge them at this point. I was feeling too many things at once and I didn’t know well enough what was my own. There was this pit in my heart that I couldn’t quite place. My mind is still quaking in its wake, I’m still grasping at straws for my own identity.
I put everything I had into that pile, every last ounce of anger rage and sadness as well as joy and pride and strength. I drew energies in from the surrounding ether, I let them flood through me and back into the earth. I could feel the warm sun shining in on me but the cool winter’s final whispers kept me from feeling the burn.
All of the souls that I was reaching were no longer in the distant past or even in the graves or other bodies, they all came directly through me as i desperately struggled to re-integrate. This is something that I work on constantly, I am in endless transition among all the many selves that exist within the over-all. I pitched and forked and over hauled and I myself was lost when it was done.
When I go to dreams I leave this world. I find a safer space and time. A place where shapes shift and eyes slip all along my states of mind. In this world there is no guilt, no shame, no recompense. I just see and hear and taste, smell, touch, and try to make some sense. My intuition is much stronger there, my thoughts are crystal clear. And I can fly and float and twirl, there is nothing that I fear.
There is this part of me that feels the need to open up. I want to bring light to the lessons which we have all already learned but are choosing to forget. But where do I begin?
Certainly it might be here, in a dreamscape, on my Grandmother’s little balcony.
A woman of great humanity and courageous accomplishment, of which you undoubtedly know very little.
I feel like there’s a barrier that needs to be broken in order for the brutal truth to burst forth from my finger tips.
Trying to practice vaporizing clouds but I keep getting stuck on the same question, “Wait, why would i want to vaporize a cloud that is so pretty as it takes the sun’s setting light so nice and neatly?”
I would much prefer to vaporize something that I don’t want to see…like a street, a car, a building or a plane in the sky. But I suppose it has to be something that no one else would miss.
But if all the world is my illusion…then I would not miss it at all…
I once read a book called Illusions in which a man learns to vaporize the clouds above him on his journey towards learning to fly.
I believe that it is all very true and entirely possible but I am having a hard time sorting out my goal.
What is it that I want to learn?
The defensive, egoistic, and intuitive version of me says, “Nothing! Don’t we know it all already? I just need to decide how it feels to remember!”
And the Buddhist version of me says, “There is everything to learn, for I know nothing.”
But the romantic version of me wants to learn how to speak to the world. I want to find a way to make it better.
I want to know how often it is that someone believes they have been chosen (born with purpose) only to find out that they are not.
Aren’t we all chosen?
We are all chosen!
Which of us will choose to make the good decisions? That is the real question, isn’t it, after all.